i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Randomize
