It's like a parade of train wrecks.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Randomize
