I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Randomize
