Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Randomize
