This is clearly one of those "A hole's a hole" situations
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
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I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
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I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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