Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
