quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
my god I love twenty year old dicks
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
