Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
