Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I can't trust your balls anymore.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
Randomize
