You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Randomize
