If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize
