Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Randomize
