You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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