peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
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