I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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