I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
