I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
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