I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
How does it feel to date your dad?
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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