When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
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