She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Randomize
