i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
We need to rekindle our bromance
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Randomize
