I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
Two words: nipple clamps
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