i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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