I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
