they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
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