I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
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