either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
