I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
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