I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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