make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
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