I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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