Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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