Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
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