I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
