Jerry, you need to find god
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
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You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
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I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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