He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
