first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Randomize
