the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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