I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize
