i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
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