just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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