she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
We have started to decorate penises.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
