I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
