He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
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