So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Just checked, might have creepy crawlies. What does chlamydia feel like? Not near wireless to consult webMD.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
Dating After Heartbreak
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
These Images Prove Chrissy Teigen is the Funniest Model Alive
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.