I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.