so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.