End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
