They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
Contemplating These 27 Questions Will Make Your Brain Explode
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
25 People Confess The Most Shocking Things They’ve Ever Seen In Public
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up