He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Randomize
