tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
