I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
