News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
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