Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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