Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
Randomize
