the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
Randomize
