I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
