Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
its liver damage thursday
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