All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I just made out with a guy for $7.
Is it just me or are more fat girls getting belly button piercing these days?
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
