he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
