you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Just puked most of my soul out..
Randomize
