My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
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