um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Randomize
