Say something about gay babies.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
