It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
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