I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
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